Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, December 3, 2019
Note: I had one of those super-realistic dreams last night that there’s a long-lost copy of the Declaration of Independence behind one of the walls or under the floorboards in our apartment. As soon as I post this, let’s grab a crowbar and find out.
By the Numbers:
Days ’til winter: 18
Days ’til the Winter Light Festival in Ithaca, New York: 2
Support for Joe Biden among Black voters over 45 in the latest CNN national poll: 60%
Percent of Democrats and Republicans, respectively, who believe adoption agencies should not have the right to discriminate against gay couples, according to a new Hill-Harris poll: 75%, 66%
“Black Friday” sales, a new record set by mobs of people in a mad dash for “stuff”: $7.4 billion
Age of Barbara Hillary, who died last month at 88, when she became the first black woman to reach the North Pole in 2007: 75
Number of letters in the word “at,” which is the first spoken word in Star Wars: Episode IX according to director J.J. Abrams: 2
Puppy Pic of the Day: Plowing season begins…
CHEERS to the next gathering of the star chamber elders who secretly control the planet…with burgers and beer. Last call! Only 4 days until the next New England Kossack Meetup—Saturday, December 7 starting at noon. If you’re in the southern Maine area that day, please join us at Robert’s Maine Grill on Route 1 in Kittery. (If you’re coming from down south, just plow through the barricades at the border—they’re all made of nerf.)
To RSVP or get more info, email organizer Michael (aka Common Sense Mainer) at cuckolds04103 [at] gmail.com. The plan is to dine and dash and then blame it all on Ukraine. Join us. As always, if you’re tunneling from Albequerque, don’t forget to hang a sharp left at Raleigh.
CHEERS to coming out swinging. For two years now, insecure misogynist Donald Trump has shamed the office of the presidency by endlessly and publicly mocking (among many other people) former FBI lawyer Lisa Page, even going so far as to simulate an orgasm during a campaign rally to highlight her affair with agent Peter Strzok. Keeping her powder dry, Page, whom Trump accused of being a member of the non-existent “deep state,” stayed out of the spotlight until the time was right to respond. That time was Sunday night, when The Daily Beast published an article in which she lets loose the hounds of pushback:
I asked her why she was willing to talk now. “Honestly, his demeaning fake orgasm was really the straw that broke the camel’s back,” she says. The president called out her name as he acted out an orgasm in front of thousands of people at a Minneapolis rally on Oct. 11. That was the moment Page decided she had to speak up. “I had stayed quiet for years hoping it would fade away, but instead it got worse,” she says. “It had been so hard not to defend myself, to let people who hate me control the narrative. I decided to take my power back.”
She is also about to be back in the news cycle in a big way. On Dec. 9, the Justice Department inspector general report into Trump’s charges that the FBI spied on his 2016 campaign will come out.
Leaked press accounts indicate the report will exonerate Page of the allegation that she acted unprofessionally or showed bias against Trump. […]
She is convinced that she’s followed the rules. She is, after all, a lawyer and knows that she is a restricted employee under the Hatch Act and can’t engage in partisan political activity. “And I know I’m nowhere close to that,” she says.
Good for her. I hope this is just the first salvo. If there’s any justice, she’ll be added to the legal team that ends up putting Trump behind bars in 2021. And though the line will belong for the honor, I vote to let her be the one to slap on the cuffs.
CHEERS to unequivocal admonishments from the past. In researching Lisa Page’s background, I ran into a fascinating little quote from former Republican congressman Bob Goodlatte of Virginia. He was the House Judiciary Committee chairman before Jerry Nadler, and during the grilling of FBI agent Peter Strzok in July of 2018, things got contentious when committee Democrats rightly protested that a certain line of questioning by Republicans was inappropriate because it was related to the ongoing Mueller investigation. Here’s what chairman Goodlatte said in an attempt to hush up his critics:
“The United States Supreme Court has recognized that it is unquestionably the duty of all citizens to cooperate with the Congress in its efforts to obtain the facts needed for intelligent legislative action.
It is their unremitting obligation to respect the dignity of the Congress and its committees, and to testify fully with respect to matters within the province of proper investigation.”
Keep those words in mind as Judiciary committee Republicans, now in the minority, stand idly by as the White House continues it’s all-out stonewalling of key administration witnesses during the impeachment hearings. It’s almost like there’s, I dunno, a double-standard or something in the “party of personal responsibility.” Very un-Schoolhouse Rock of them.
CHEERS to spending more time with your family. Admiral Joe Sestak and Montana Governor Steve Bullock have pulled out of the 2020 Democratic primary. I heard they both urged their supporters to swing their allegiance to the campaign of John Delaney. Responded bathrobed Delaney while watching The Price Is Right in his basement: “Wait…I’m still in the race?”
JEERS to locking and loading for the holidays. Attention 911 dispatchers and paramedics: looks like business is gonna be booming this year with a lot of blam-blams under the Christmas tree. Says here that the FBI was swamped with background check requests at near-record levels:
The FBI fielded more than 200,000 background checks on Black Friday gun purchases, continuing a steady surge this year following a series of mass shootings that have renewed calls for more restrictive gun laws.
In all, the bureau posted 202,465 checks Friday, an 11% increase from last year and falling just short of the single-day record: 203,086 in 2017. […]
Black Friday traditionally has been one of the busiest for FBI analysts, but this year’s one-day number comes amid rising monthly volumes that are approaching the one-year record of 27.5 million in 2016. Past spikes in background checks have been driven by fears that lawmakers would tighten gun laws.
As a public service, C&J offers our usual helpful tip for Santa when he goes about his business in 22 days: swap out the fur suit for Kevlar.
CHEERS to seeing stuff up close. On this date in 1621, Galileo perfected his new invention. He called it the telescope. The following day the lady next door perfected her own new invention. She called it window blinds.
Ten years ago in C&J: December 3, 2009
JEERS to voting your fears. Employing logic with more holes in it than their cheese, Swiss voters went to the polls Sunday and outlawed minarets. Not that we have much room to talk. Just recently, Best Buy caught right-wing flak for wishing Muslim shoppers a ”Happy Eid al-Adha.” Wrote one disgruntled customer: “Best Buy has the Muslims covered with the ‘Happy Eid,’ but what about the rest of us Americans?” Don’t worry, pal…you still have a constitutional right to be petty.
P.S. I’ve just been informed that Switzerland has also voted to outlaw minotaurs, mini golf, minestrone, Minnetonkas, Minnie Mouse, mini-bars, and Minwax. Paging Dr. Phil…
And just one more…
JEERS to perilous playthings. I probably should’ve mentioned this item a couple weeks ago before the entire country went shopping for toys over the Thanksgiving holiday. The Public Interest Research Group is out with their latest list of the most dangerous toys, and the good news is that, on the whole, toys are safer than ever. As usual, toys whose chemical levels are too big, noise levels are too loud, or whose parts are too small topped the list. (Balloons get a special mention as the #1 choking hazard.) And in the internet age there’s another hazard parents should watch for: “connected toys” that hoover up your kids’ personal information in possible violation of privacy and consumer protection laws. Meanwhile, the Cheers and Jeers Public Safety Commission and Unlicensed Liquor Institute has a few additions that the PIRG missed:
The Li’l Warrior Happy 57E6 Surface to Air Missile: Could pose a choking hazard to children 5 and under; may also be detrimental to flowerbeds.
Tickle Me Vladimir Action Figure: May steal the souls of impressionable, underdeveloped minds.
Playskool Mexico-Funded U.S. Border Wall: No particular danger to kids, but parents should know that this is just an empty box.
Baby’s First Papa John’s Pizza Bake Set: Considered dangerous because the end product is Papa John’s pizza. [See also: Baby’s First Godfather’s Pizza Bake Set]
Mike Pence Gives A Speech Play Set: May cause children to die of boredom. Adults, too. And pets. And microorganisms.
Make America Great Again baseball cap: Side effects include lower IQ, frothing at the mouth, and delusions that Daddy’s coal job is coming back.
Ho Ho Ho! You’ve been warned.
Have a tolerable Tuesday. Stay hydrated—tomorrow we go impeachin’. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?
Today’s Shameless C&J Testimonial
“They’re not talking about Bill in Portland Maine in Des Moines, I guarantee you.”