Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, January 23, 2018
Note: January is Bath Safety Month, and it’s your duty as an American citizen to remember the #1 bath safety tip: keep a loaded firearm hidden under your bubbles. (And don’t forget to scrub behind those ears, patriots.)
—Your Friends at the NRA
By the Numbers:
Days ’til the world-ending blood moon: 7
Days ’til the Frost Fest Outdoor Beer Festival in Fayetteville, Arkansas: 11
Percent chance that #TrumpShutdown was the top-trending global twitter hashtag following the government shutdown: 100%
Increase in per-beneficiary Medicaid spending and private insurance spending, respectively, between 1987 and 2015: 4%, 7%
Percent by which Medicaid eligibility during early childhood reduces mortality rates for African-American teens: 13%-20%
Percent chance that President Trump is totally vulnerable to blackmail: 100%
Acres of his Mississippi property that Morgan Freeman has turned into a bee sanctuary, with 26 hives: 124
Puppy Pic of the Day: Scenes from the march…
CHEERS and JEERS to cave dwelling. Ohhhhhhh boy. Let’s unpack this as simply as we can:
Yesterday enough Democratic senators (the final vote: 81-18) agreed to a deal with Republicans that will allow the government to open up again (Good), but there’s no DACA deal (Bad), but the Children’s Health Insurance Program affecting 9 million kids won a six-year extension (Good), but Democrats are more furious than not at Chuck Schumer’s negotiating skills (Bad), but Mitch McConnell promised there will be a DACA bill put to a vote in the next three weeks (Good), but Schumer can shut the government right back down again if McConnell reneges and the House doesn’t play ball by February 8th (Good), but that’s cold comfort to the 800,000+ Dreamers who will soon have zero protections (Bad), but federal workers will get paid again (Good), but the mighty Republican media machine is claiming credit (Bad), but the CDC will be back open to continue dealing with the flu epidemic (Ahchoo!), but nanny goat liverwurst pencil goggles umbrella tart (Okay, I think you need to stop now).
And one more bit of the good news that no one else is reporting: The Smithsonian Government Shutdown Museum is back open again, and boy oh boy are we gonna get some great new exhibits from this one.
CHEERS to timely retro-advice. Twenty-two years ago today—oh, this is so cute—Bill Clinton delivered a State of the Union speech in which he told Republicans that they had to pinky-swear…
“…never, ever shut the federal government down again.
On behalf of all Americans, especially those who need their Social Security payments at the beginning of March, I also challenge the Congress to preserve the full faith and credit of the United States—to honor the obligations of this great nation as we have for 220 years; to rise above partisanship and pass a straightforward extension of the debt limit and show people America keeps its word.”
Read that out loud to a Republican on the hill. They’ll stand there all day waiting for the rimshot.
CHEERS to more midterm tea leaves for the reading. Here…take this paper bag and breathe in and out while I say this ever so gently: THE MIDTERM ELECTIONS ARE A REFERENDUM ON THE PRESIDENT!!!!! Now keep breathing while I point out a few things from an entire year’s worth of weekly Gallup polls:
Approval rating at the start of his first year: 45%
Approval rating at the end of his first year: 36%
Disapproval rating at the start of his first year: 47%
Disapproval rating at the end of his first year: 59%
Number of weeks spent at or above 40%: 10
Weeks spent at 45%: 1
Weeks spent above 45%: 0
Last day he was in the 40s: 5/28/17
Consecutive weeks spent in the 30s: 34
And, in light of that, the most important number of all: 11/6/18. Judgment Day. Wear blue.
CHEERS to Notorious RBG 4EVUH! Our youngest-at-heart Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg fired up her jetpack and blasted off for the Sundance Film Festival, where she grabbed a mic and said she plans to continue doling out the Ginsburns…
She has law clerks on staff through the court’s 2020 term.
The earliest she could step down would be in 2021—when she is 88.
But she said Sunday she doesn’t plan to do that.
During a Sundance Cinema Talks conversation with Nina Totenberg, Ginsburg said that her health is “very good” and that she still enjoys the work.
“As long as I can do the job full steam, I will be here.”
Lest you think that was just happy talk, consider this: she said it while bench-pressing Totenberg.
JEERS to John Q. Corporation: Super Citizen!!! Speaking of SCOTUS, eight years ago this week, five conservative activist judges on the Supreme Court delivered their verdict on our system of government: it’s for sale to the highest bidder.
Citizens United is now a four-letter two-words to anyone who values clean and fair campaign financing. But we now know that there’s a rather sizable silver lining in the wake of that decision: namely, we know now that boatloads of cash don’t necessarily guarantee an election victory. Money is still a big factor, hence the need to do something to curb the tidal wave of cash (which Democrats will do once they take back the White House and majorities in Congress). But it’s not a bell that automatically makes us drool over a candidate when Sheldon Adelson or the Koch brothers ring it. Unless, I admit, the candidate’s name happens to be Dairy Queen Oreo Blizzard.
CHEERS to the pre-the-envelopes-please envelopes, please. The Academy Award nominations will be announced this morning. Before I make my prediction for the best picture nominees, here’s some breaking news:
Wonder Woman and The Last Jedi drove by Three Billboards Outside Ebbing Missouri at The Darkest Hour and picked up Victoria and Abdul on their way to Detroit to participate in the Battle of the Sexes, but thanks to I, Tonya, we were all told to Get Out and we ended up at The Florida Project instead, having lost All the Money in the World and now, hanging on by a mere Phantom Thread, we lit up a doobie and started saying shit like “HuhHuhHuh Call Me By Your Name” and “Have you ever pondered The Shape of Water while reading The Post, man?” Then we saw the wife of the 36th president, Lady Bird, playing Molly’s Game with The Disaster Artist on a Beach in Dunkirk, and we were all like “Whoa, that is The Big Sick, man.” Film at 11.
Ten years ago in C&J: January 23, 2008
YEESH to Sunday morning yammering. Time magazine’s Richard Stengel gets the prize for most out-of-control analogy of the weekend on The Chris Matthews Show:
“As somebody once said, in every relationship there’s a flower and there’s a pot. And when there is a candidate, the candidate is the flower and the spouse is the pot. The problem is, Bill Clinton likes to be the flower. He wants to be the bride at the wedding and the corpse at the funeral.”
He added: “He wants to be the steaks on the grill, the Rolls in the garage,the mansion on the hill, the gum on the shoe, the Hemingway on the bookshelf, the yacht in the marina, the ball in the dog’s toy basket, the Beyonce on the iPod…” If the tranquilizer dart had missed him, he could’ve gone on all day.
And just one more…
CHEERS to flying filling. Today is a high holy day at Daily Kos. Yes, it’s…National Pie Day. Let the fun begin:
“Berniebots rock!” [Splot!] “Berniebots suck!” [Splot!]
“Ideological purity!” [Splot!] “Practical centrism!” [Splot!]
“We must reach out to white working Americans!” [Splot!] “White working Americans must reach out to us!” [Splot!]
“Ginger!” [Splot!] “Mary Ann!” [Splot!]
“Organized Religion!” [Splot!] “Atheism!” [Splot!]
“The Republican party is nuts!”
[Brief cease fire as everyone nods in agreement]
“Woozles!” [Splot!] “Pooties!” [Splot!]
“Caucuses!” [Splot!] “Primaries” [Splot!]
Dems caved! [Splot!] Dems held their ground! [Splot!]
“Three point one four one five!” [Splot!] “That’s pi, not pie, you idiot!” [Splot!]
“Hi, I’m here to promote Jill Stein for 2020.” [Splot! Splot! Splot! Splot! Splot! Splot! Splot! Splot! Splot! Splot! Splot!]
That was fun. Same time next year?
Have a tolerable Tuesday. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?
Today’s Shameless C&J Testimonial:
“Splashing in this Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool is like splashing in jello, it is next to impossible.”