Cheers and Jeers for Friday, December 15, 2017
Note: Reindeer run over by revenge-seeking zombie grandma with hair matching color of blue and silver candles. Film at 11.
By the Numbers:
Days ’til 2018: 17
Days ’til the San Francisco Tape Music Festival: 22
Percent of the 1,200 key federal positions that Trump has yet to fill since he took office: 60%
Percent chance the Dodge Viper is going bye-bye in 2018: 100%
Amount by which gas prices are expected to rise in Saudi Arabia this January, thanks to gradual removal of domestic subsidies to help bring rates to international levels: 80%
Cost of securing all of the gifts in The Twelve Days of Christmas this year, up $195 from last year according to the annual PNC Wealth Management Index: $34,558.65
Number of Beatles who never wrote or recorded a song specifically about Christmas: 1 (George Harrison)
Puppy Pic of the Day: Bounce Bounce Bounce…
JEERS to premature cut-offiness. After slashing the enrollment period in half, today is, for most states, the last day to sign up for a 2018 Obamacare health plan in time to start coverage on January 1st. You only have a few hours left! Here, let me hit you over the head one more time with a flashy graphic I paid one million dollars to commission (each pixel is hand-painted with love):
I stayed with a basic silver plan, and after consulting with my death panel I decided to add the hospice-care male stripper option. It costs a few bucks extra, but I get to pay my monthly premium by slipping dollar bills into their g-strings. What a way to go!
JEERS to net negatives. Well, the FCC up and done it—turned control of the internet over to the ISPs who could now, if they wanted to, turn off the spigot entirely and shut it all down. Of course they won’t do that—there’s too much money to be made from wringing out our wallets in exchange for letting us download the content we want at speeds slightly faster than arthritic old goat. But I’m looking at the silver linings: 1) states are going to sue, 2) The public is going to continue to be outraged, and 3) the next time Democrats control the FCC, net neutrality will be restored. But one thing we can’t count on in the short-term: Congress doing anything about it. Republicans have developed severe allergies to…[Buffering]……….[Buffering]………….[Still buffering, you silly peasant]…..helping people.
CHEERS to civil disobedience…with pinky extended. Don’t forget to throw a few bags of Earl Grey into the ol’ woodchipper tomorrow, the 244th anniversary of the Boston Tea Party. That was the day in 1773 when rebellious colonists dumped a few hundred chests of tea into Boston Harbor. It was an act of defiance against the British Crown for imposing taxation without representation. Which is exactly what the modern day “tea party”—i.e. the Republican party—is all about, plus racism, birtherism, secessionism, misogyny, Islamophobia, homophobia, and making the rich as comfortable as possible…but minus the taxation without representation part since they do have taxation with representation. (Hint: they’re called “representatives.”)
CHEERS to A+ trolling. Word on the street is that House Speaker Paul Ryan will be fleeing the lower chamber next year, thus avoiding what could be an embarrassing loss in the 2018 election—not just the House itself, but his own district. Challenger Randy Bryce—a blue collar ironworker—offers a few words of encouragement:
This is exciting! Trent Franks is gone, Blake Farenthold is leaving, and now Paul Ryan is calling it quits? Wow—if allegations against Louie Gohmert come to light, I’ll have a diagonal win in my game of GOP Disgusting Pig Bingo.
CHEERS to 53 years of proudly waving, eh. On December 15, 1964, “after six months of debate and 308 speeches, passed by a majority vote in the House of Commons,” Canada adopted the maple leaf flag:
We’re not sure what the proper gift is for a flag on its birthday, so we defaulted to the usual: a pair of socks.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Sure, the world’s crumbling around us…but we’ve got the magic talking picture box to make things better, so cheer up, Bucky. The evening starts out the usual way, with Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow delivering the latest horribleness from Trump World. Then CNN airs a special called Young Heroes that looks interesting. (I guarantee you all five of those boy and girl geniuses are going to grow up card-carrying liberals.)
New home video releases include the intense Detroit and the action-packed Kingsman: The Gold Circle. There’s an SNL Christmas special tomorrow night (NBC) right before Kevin Hart hosts the live Christmas episode at 11:30. The basketball schedule is here, the hockey schedule is here and the NFL schedule is here. (You better “girder” your loins for a whopping defeat at the hands of the Patriots, Steelers fans! Ha Ha Ha!!!) On 60 Minutes: a profile of an actor who deserves a lifetime achievement Oscar NOW: Donald Sutherland. Sunday at 7 on Fox—and I’m not gonna go near this because the movie is, to me, a sacred object not to be tampered with—there’s a sacrilegious musical version of A Christmas Story starring Maya Rudolph and Matthew Broderick. You’re better off sticking to The Sound of Music Saturday night on ABC.
Now here’s your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: White House Director of Legislative Affairs Marc Short; Governor John Kasich (R-OH); Sen. Joe Manchin (D-WV).
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: WARNING—wear a poncho if you tune in! Senator-elect Doug Jones (D-AL) is the guest and wingnut heads will be exploding accordingly.
This Week: TBA
Face the Nation: Sens. Bernie Sanders (I-VT) and James Lankford (R-OK). Also: boil on the butt of humanity Steve Mnuchin.
CNN’s State of the Union: Doug Jones! Also: vomit on a turd on the bottom of a shoe Steve Mnuchin. MoveOn’s Karine Jean-Pierre is on the roundtable, and Ana Navarro will probably provide another viral anti-Trump soundbite.
Ten years ago in C&J: December 15, 2007
JEERS to getting sucker-punched under the mistletoe. Guess what, gang? Bill O’Reilly says we secular progressives lost the war on Christmas. Hey! I said, we lost the war on Christmas!!! Man, I hate it when you yawn while I’m talking.
And just one more…
CHEERS to the brittle parchment of freedom. 226 years ago, on December 15, 1791, the Bill of Rights was ratified. Let’s take a moment for our annual review of The Precious:
I You can say anything you want except “Fire!” falsely in a crowded theater or “Donald Trump has a mandate” seriously in a crowded room of people with functioning brains; You can peaceably assemble in public spaces to call out the government when it’s acting badly, but we reserve the right to pepper-spray you in the face, zip-tie your hands behind your back and haul your ass off to jail if we feel like it; The press has the freedom to treat the statements and policies of the left and the right as equally valid because we know you gotta sell papers and achieve your daily clickbait goals.
Bonus 1st Amendment right: The United States is technically neutral on religion, except for prayers in Congress, and invocations at inaugurations, and language in proclamations, and at the end of political speeches, and during the Pledge of Allegiance, and in assorted draft legislation, and on your money, and…oh, never mind.
II This amendment is the reason why this document is shielded by six-inch-thick glass.
III You don’t have to let soldiers in your house. But police dressed like Seal Team Six can drive up in a surplus tank and bust down your door any old time.
IV Prohibits unreasonable searches and seizures of your person, house, papers, and effects without a warrant. However, if one or more agents of the government slips on a banana peel and accidentally searches and seizes everything in sight to keep from falling down, well, c’mon, give ’em a break.
V The amendment to invoke when your lawyer knows you’re in deep doo-doo. In murder cases this is known as the “deadly doo right.”
VI You have a right to a trial by a jury of your peers. Also called the Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid amendment.
VII You have the the right to punch anyone in the face who blurts out a spoiler from a Star Wars movie you haven’t seen yet.
VIII Whoever authorizes the use of cruel or unusual punishment—like, say, waterboarding—is going straight to H-E-double-toothpicks.
IX You have a lot more rights than these ten, but Jefferson lost the master list and we’re kinda scrambling here at the last minute. So sue us. No, seriously. Use this amendment to sue us.
X States don’t gotta do nuthin’ if they don’t wanna, and if you don’t agree then we’re gonna secede. Also known as the Sore Loser amendment and the official motto of Texas.
If you want to see the Bill of Rights in person, it’s currently being used as a doormat in front of the Oval Office.
Have a great weekend. Floor’s open…What are youcheering and jeering about today?