Cheers and Jeers for Monday, April 15, 2019
Note: Washington, D.C. residents: yes, you have to pay your taxes today in exchange for no representation. But please enjoy the gorgeous views of the Tidal Basin year-round at no extra charge. —Your Friendly Federal Government
By the Numbers:
Days ’til Easter Sunday, commemorating the day Jesus emerged from a cave after inventing marshmallow peeps: 6
Days ’til the Blacksburg Fork and Cork in Virginia: 5
Estimated number of transgender troops in the U.S. military: 14,700
Number of years in prison Julian Assange could get if he’s convicted of conspiracy to commit computer intrusion: 5
Median apartment rent in America, according to AP: $1,553
Estimated number of LGBT Americans living in rural areas, according to NBC News: 2.9 to 3.8 million
Number of views since Friday afternoon of the first Star Wars Episode IX: The Rise of Skywalker trailer: 19 million
Puppy Pic of the Day: Happy Monday…
CHEERS to being patriotier than thou. Today is Patriot’s Day (yes, that’s where the apostrophe goes up here), a commemoration of the skirmishes at Lexington and Concord that sparked our War of Independence 244 years ago. Only three states are flagpinny enough to make it an official holiday—Maine, Wisconsin and Massachusetts. The big event today is the 122nd Boston Marathon. As usual, I’ll go out on a limb and predict that the winners will be the secretly-Obama-trained Kenyans unless the nerd from MIT perfects his rocket shoes in time…and someone can achieve the impossible by waking him up before noon.
CHEERS to making it official. Sensing that the current roster of 934 candidates in the Democratic primary just didn’t offer enough variety, another patriotic do-gooder entered the 2020 race yesterday. Let’s check out his vitals:
Mayor Pete Buttigieg
Hails from: South Bend, Indiana
Age on inauguration day 2021: 39 years and 1 day
Primary campaign theme: “A New Generation of American Leadership”
Education: St. Joseph High School (South Bend) valedictorian; Harvard University (2005: History and Literature) and Oxford University (2007 Rhodes Scholarship: Philosophy, Economics and Politics).
Official website: PeteForAmerica.com
Strengths: Obama-esque youth and vigah; successful mayor of blue-collar city, transforming South Bend from dying manufacturing hamlet to thriving tech town and getting reelected with 80% of the vote; extraordinary intelligence and analytical skills; naval intelligence officer who served in Afghanistan; can talk about religion and being openly-gay with equal ease in front of liberals and conservatives; currently #3 in Iowa and New Hampshire primary polls, behind only Biden and Bernie; smart, witty and engaging husband (whom you can follow on Twitter here).
Weaknesses: executive experience limited to mayor’s office in small city; expressed a willingness to play footsies with Republicans when in office.
Baby-kissing ability, based on latest reviews from ToddlerYelp: 8.7/10
He joins Kamala, Cory (he made it official Saturday and we’ll cover him tomorrow), Tim, Wayne, Elizabeth, Beto, Bernie, Tulsi, Julian, John, Andrew, Kirsten, Eric, Jay, Marianne, Amy,and John#2 in their quest to be the lucky duck who has the honor of chasing the Trump crime syndicate out of Washington. And if you, like many others, are having trouble with his name, here’s a phonetic way of spelling it that makes it really easy to roll of your tongue: Peet.
P.S. Another bit of history right here…
…and as far as I know, the world is still turning.
CHEERS to happy endings. 48 years ago this week, en route to the moon, Apollo 13 commander
Tom Hanks Jim Lovell Are you sure it was Jim Lovell and not Tom Hanks, I think it was Tom Hanks Jim Lovell announced, “Houston, we’ve got a problem” after Richard Nixon used his mind to cause an oxygen tank to explode. (Did too! Look it up!)
Through sheer brilliance on the part of NASA’s team and the crew, they returned safely four days later. A “successful failure” is what they called that mission. Or as it’s also known: “a typical day at Fox News.”
P.S. Only 832 monthly payments to go and Jim Lovell will have paid for the damage. (They begged him to buy State Farm exploding-oxygen-tank insurance, but did he listen? Noooo…)
CHEERS to today’s Misguided Moment in Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc. This is a good one…
CBS News: More Americans are showing up to work high.
The Labor Department: Productivity among American workers is up.
Therefore: Showing up to work stoned improves worker productivity.
This has been today’s Misguided Moment in Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc. Now you know why I was both feared and loathed in debate class.
JEERS to the unsinkable ship—the one that’s in the process of sinking over yonder. 107 years ago this morning, the Titanic plunged to the icy depths of the Atlantic after scraping an iceberg. Today it seems an apt analogy for the Republican party: a once-proud icon thought to be invincible that, because of poor design, shoddy workmanship and an air of arrogance on the part of the people in charge, sank itself because it wasn’t looking where it was going and is now a rusting hulk stuck in the mud and you can’t do anything with it but re-arrange the deckchairs. But the movie was pretty good.
CHEERS to a fine weekend on the links. The 2019 wearer of the Green Technicolor Dreamcoat was decided at the Masters golf tournament yesterday. Tiger Woods won all the marbles with a strong -13 finish—his first Masters win since 2005, and his first major win since 2008. Once again, this was the toughest hole on the course, averaging six over par:
Our condolences to second-place finishers Dustin Johnson, Xander Schauffele, and Brooks Koepka who limped away from Augusta with only $1.18 million. Don’t quit your Uber job, kids.
Ten years ago in C&J: April 15, 2009
CHEERS to Obama’s Very Good Week. Let’s review:
» He helped free the Captain from pirates. (And we hear he’s close to a deal on freeing Tennille.)
» His interaction with “the folks” during the Easter Egg roll revealed a genuine man of the people and a natural charmer.
» The dog arrives. Hearts = stolen
» Restrictions on travel and “remittances” to Cuba by relatives who have family there are lifted.
» Two thousand stimulus projects are underway, many of then coming in underbudget.
» His economic speech at GWU was a sober yet hopeful home run.
And the week is still young. I think today he flies to Antarctica to re-attach an ice shelf.
And just one more…
CHEERS to tiptoeing around the IRS. Money-saving tips for last-minute U.S. tax filers, courtesy of Dave Barry:
Let’s take a look at the standard Form 1040 and see where you should focus your tax-cutting efforts:
Taxpayer name: Here’s a tax-saving opportunity few taxpayers take advantage of: Instead of simply writing your name, write your name plus the word “DECEASED.” This can save you big money down the road.
Presidential Election Campaign Fund checkoff box: If you check this box, $3 of your taxes will be earmarked for a special fund to pay for presidential campaigns. Notice that the government does not permit you to earmark the money for poor people, or sick people, or national defense. No, the government permits you to earmark money only for the purpose of enabling politicians to produce TV commercials designed to appeal to voters who have the IQ of a Vienna sausage.
Exemptions: In calculating your dependants, you should bear two things in mind: 1. The more dependants you have, the less tax you owe. 2. Nowhere in the U.S. tax code does it explicitly state, in so many words, that these dependants cannot be imaginary, if you are catching my drift.
If you’re called in for an audit, the important thing is: Don’t panic. Gather up all your financial records, consult with your lawyer and your accountant and then, on the appointed day, flee to Uzbekistan.
—From Dave Barry’s Money Secrets
For your convenience the C&J Coffee/Red Bull/NoDoz courtesy wagon will circulate hourly throughout the day. Folks who live in Maine or Massachusetts don’t have to file state returns until tomorrow because we get an extra day on account of Patriot’s Day. We’ll use the extra free time clip-clopping around town naked on horseback yelling “Tyranny!!!” just like a certain famous patriot did in Longfellow’s unpublished poem, The Midday Drunken Pre-Midnight Ride of Paul Revere.
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?
Today’s Shameless C&J Testimonial
”We can admit it—we’re dazzled by the controlled fury of Bill in Portland Maine.”